Burning A Dry Christmas Tree – Towering Inferno!

Ever wonder how much time you’d have to react if your Christmas tree were to catch on fire? Well, my kids love hanging onto the trees until well after Christmas… like, Valentine’s Day.

So, to show them why we’re just not going to do that any more, I put the last one in our fire pit and lit it. By the way it went up, I wouldn’t blame you if you’d thought I’d soaked it with oil.

But I didn’t.

Bullsh*t hilarious view on broadcast journalism

As a former journalist, this hit home HARD as the reason I left the field. If you’re not laughing by the end of this one, check your pulse!

Chris

Zombie Mayhem…

… does not exist.
BUT if it did, how would zombies react to an organic diet vs. their usual living fodder?

First, let’s look at the pro’s and con’s of their current culinary habits:

• Pro – it’s renewable. We seem to keep making more humans… and talk about convenience! In most movies, all zombies need to do is hang out and wait for the stupid one to walk or run right into them while looking the wrong way. Puts McDonald’s to shame, I say.
• Con – it’s painful. I don’t know about you, but getting eaten alive and having what’s left of you turn into one of the living dead would basically suck.
• Pro – no refrigeration necessary. Low carbon footprint diet? Eco-friendly zombies? Whoda thunk it!
• Con – it creates one heck of a mess. Have you ever smelled zombie breath?
• Pro – thinning the herd. All you need to do is run faster than the slowest, ergo weakest, member of the human pack.
• Con – that just ain’t fair. Smacks of Nazi eugenics.
• Pro – another shot at life… in a way. Hey, they’re not called the “living dead” for no reason!
• Con – quality of life issues abound.

So, given the above pro’s and con’s, what difference would an organic diet have on our undead zombie pals?
Answer?

Let’s examine this scene from George Romero’s “Return of the Living Dead” where we may get an actual answer from a talking zombie:

Well, at least we know they like brains. As for organic chow? I have no idea.
Seems to me we’d be to busy running away or barricading ourselves in to worry about compost, pesticides and sustainable gardening practices… not to mention the fact that our grass-fed bovine buddies couldn’t outrun the ravenous hoard and would only encourage them. Have you ever seen how fast some of them could run in Day of The Dead? And they’re not even wearing Adidas’ latest!

After some thought (perhaps too much thought, you’re saying) I’m of the belief that an organic diet would help in the short term by giving healthy humans a leg up (pardon the pun) on their less-healthy compadres. So after the Zombie Apocalypse is over, those in their right minds would stand a better chance of surviving by virtue of their initial health at the outset.

That is, of course, unless the all-brain zombie food pyramid diet makes them smarter with every meal…

What do you think? Leave your comments and let’s dig into this topic

Zombies vs UFC MMA fighters

To see how a zombie would do against an MMA/UFC fighter in the cage, check this out.

Chris

Proofread, proofread, unless you’ve got balls…

 

The above example is from a professional therapy equipment website I stumbled across while working on my wife’s physical therapy practice site.
Ya gotta laugh.

Chris

Wet cell phone… or, ever drop your Blackberry in the toilet?

Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not too proud to admit when I screw up, as in “I dropped my Blackberry Curve in the toilet!”
Yep, 3rd time in 10 years a cell phone of mine has ended up all washed up, so to speak.
Twice in the potty (I have 3 kids, so that’s my lingo) and once in a lake, Deep Creek Lake to be exact.
And don’t think for one minute that I didn’t grab some scuba gear to find that damn phone! (For the lake, not the toilet… that one was a bare-hander).
That time, I actually went to DCL Fire Dept. and borrowed gear from one of their rescue/recovery divers to try to find my phone to at least recover the card with over 300 contacts I’d forgotten to back up.
Did I mention that was the last time I’d neglected to back up info on a device?
Well, yep, after 2 full 100 cubic foot cylinders of air at 3,000 psi, I didn’t find it and that’s the last time I ignored backing up contact data.
Back to my main purpose.
Yesterday I did it again… dammit.
But this time, I frigging won!
It was a no-holds-barred match between me and the porcelain thug, and I kicked its butt… so to speak.
But it gets funnier because I’d just tweeted this (read from the bottom up…)

Come on, don’t tell me I’m alone!
Or, maybe I’m just too into overshare?
Hell, I don’t care.
But, here’s how I won, and I know you want to know or you would’ve clicked off this post long ago…
I doused that little bastard in 91% rubbing alcohol (it was nearby because I’ve got Lyme disease and give myself shots… shoot, there’s the overshare again. Never mind)
Then, I shook it.
Then I swore.
Then I wondered when was the last time I’d backed up the contacts, because this time there were a boatload more than 300, and scuba gear wouldn’t help.
Then I remembered how badly I pissed off my support staff by going out-of-system and getting my own phone last time… and now I knew this wasn’t going to go over well
But here’s the kicker -
I took a blow drier and set it on high/cool and sat there for 5 minutes blowing air into it, laughing at myself wondering how this would come across in a post.
Then I rounded up all the silica gel packets from the medication I’ve been taking (f-ing Lyme disease again) and sealed that Blackberry Curve in a TupperWare dish overnight.
Dang if that didn’t work!
So, it’s not like I’m recommending going out and hugging a deer so a tick finds its way into your nooks and crannies, but this is one thing that actually worked.
Need more “how-to”?
Email me and I’ll get right back to ya.

All the best,

Chris

PS – thanks to @gtanerd for the advice on the bowl of rice. That would also have worked, but I was looking to keep a little twist of “Lyme” in this one (pardon the pun, but humor is how I cope and it’s helped me everywhere from Parris Island in the Marines, dealing with Autism, and now here).

Picture this!